The last few months have been a lot. My father in law passed a couple of months ago and my baby brother died a bit over a month ago, at 40. It’s times like these that lead us into introspection. Death brings with it a reminder of the brevity of our time here on earth. There is grieving, but there is also wondering and possibility.
Is our time here, all there is? Or is there more? Is it just a small part of our souls journey? My beliefs around life and thereafter, have helped me navigate the emotions of this time.
D’s been out digging and cleaning the water race to get water from the channel, this past 6-9 months has been so dry, the dam was almost empty. Within two days, of the water starting, it of course stared raining. But that’s ok, we expected as much, and really it didn’t deliver all that much water to the dam, but added quite a bit back in to the tank.
I’ve been working on some health stuff recently. Resetting my circadian rhythm – sleep and sunlight, and light in general. Red light before sunrise and after sunset. Sunrise and sunset outside time. Grounding while I eat my breakfast. Eating better. Walking every day. Getting to bed a bit earlier, which is a process in itself sometimes.
With a beautiful friend, I went to see Lee Harris at the Anathaeum Theatre in Melbourne a couple of weeks ago. The venue, the audience, the music, the stories and channeling were a spiritual experience in itself. And just what I needed at this time. A reminder that we have a connection to something deeper than we may realise, that we can connect to for guidance.
I’m trying a new taking stock this month. It was getting repetitive and a little monotonous.
Currently…
In my space: (physical surroundings, environment) I’ve had the photo albums out, revisiting memories. Pondering the shortness of life. But also the longness. The paradox of linear time, perhaps? It’s both long and short at the same time.
Creating: (art, food, writing, projects) I began the year with the best intention to start writing and creating more. But then, homeschool started again, work picked up, and my good intentions go out the window just doing the things that need to be done each day.
At times I find it hard to make peace with the season I’m in. Since my little brother died, there’s been much sadness but also self reflection. Preparing photos, music, writing his eulogy and speaking it at his funeral, brought a new understanding of my own strength and belief in that which exists beyond our senses.
Learning: (new skills, lessons, insights) I’ve started working on my ‘side hustle’ (I hate that phrase, but I don’t have another). Teaching folks how to build there own website. Well, I’m trying to gauge whether there’s any interest in it. I guess I’ll find out. So I’m learning how to do social media, working on blog posts, creating a lead magnet, setting up email lists. Things I’ve done for others, but haven’t done for myself so far.
Reading: (books, articles, thoughts) I’ve been reading and listening to audiobooks a lot these past months. I’ve read Liv Zander’s feathers so viscous duo which I loved, a couple of Elliot Rose books, Emily Rath, blood of Hercules by Jasmine Mas, Sierra Simone. They’re just a few of my favourites right now.
Moving: (exercise, dance, walking) I’ve made it my mission to walk each day. I do the same path with my doggo. With my glasses off to get the early sunlight in my eyes. I’ve been able to integrate it into my day so it’s not something I have to think about and wrestle with as a task, it’s just a part of my day. It just is. I get up and walk, no consideration or decision making required. I like doing things this way, it takes a decision away from my day. I feel like I spend the day making so many decisions, and at this stage in my life, I’m exhausted by them all.
Nurturing: (relationships, plants, self-care) Myself mainly. It’s been a trying time and I’m working on remembering to take care of myself to get through the hard times. Remembering to seek the joy, it’s around always, just keep your heart open for it.
And nurturing my fledgling routines to feel better/different. If you keep doing the same things, you’ll keep getting the same results.
Exploring: (places, ideas, possibilities) the possibility of changing my work up a bit. Finding space to create things to help people. My bro had an old twin cab ute of my dads, that’s just been sitting under some gum trees for the past couple of years. The paint work has been eaten into by the sap from the gums, but the car looks mostly like its ok. D’s working on some parts of it, and then we’ll to get a quote for repairs and to get it roadworthy. If it’s not going to cost too much we’ll get the work done. I’m excited because it gives us a way to go on more adventures as a family. The corolla is just too small to be practical for camping adventures for us.
Celebrating: (achievements, moments, gratitude) The people I love, in small ways, all the time. It doesn’t need to be big and flashy. I’m celebrating me, and working on my own goals, because why not, you know? Who else is going to celebrate me, if I don’t? Toot your own horn, bitches. That’s something that’s come as I’ve gotten older. Australian’s can have such a conditioned false modesty. It’s built of beliefs that you can’t stand out (because you’ll figuratively get your arse handed to you if you do).
Releasing: (habits, thoughts, possessions) One of the things I’ve released in recent times, is control over what’s not mine to control. So often I’ve tried to control situations and people so that I wouldn’t get hurt, or they wouldn’t get hurt. But they’re not controllable things. It’s their journey to learn and respond to the things that hurt them. The only control I have is how I respond in those situations. If it’s out of my control, then I make peace with it and surrender it to the ‘universe’ to do with it as it will.
Another constant reminder for myself is that if there’s a solution to the problem , then there is no problem. This is regardless of whether you like the solution, or if it’s hard, or emotional. If you continue ‘carrying on’ about something, while ignoring the solution, then you’re getting something from not solving the problem, and this is what you need to look at in yourself. What are you getting from it? Is it a fake sense of control? Do you get to play the victim and forget your own power? This little nugget is from Tony Robbins.
Growing: (personal development, gardens, skills) Now that we have the dam full of water, we can plan our winter veggie garden. I’d not been thinking about it until the water was there to even be able to water it. Over autumn we’d stopped watering so much, and let some of the garden beds go, only nurturing the important plants that remained. I haven’t done a full plan yet of what I’d like to plant – I’m thinking garlic, broad beans, broccoli, cauli or cabbage. I’m not sure what else yet. What have you planted for winter?
Connecting: (people, nature, community) Nature and self is where I’m connecting in this season of my life. Death has made me introspective, and I’m appreciating the time alone to let the emotions flow through, rather than sticking in my body.
Discovering: (insights, places, interests) Myself. Spirituality. Understanding that there are powers out there that will help us weather the storms that come at us. Connection to something deeper than we’re lead to believe.
Planning: (future projects, dreams, goals) I suspect the world is going to rapidly get far more expensive than it currently is, so I’m doing what I can to prepare a better income for us, and food connections. It’s important to have good quality (and local where possible) food sources. I buy our beef from a local biodynamic farmer, and I get our veggies from another farmer who visits weekly.
It’s important to me to have more time with my family, and to be able to let go of some of the worries and emotional weight I carry. I’m trying to set up ways of earning that are valuable to others, and allow ease in my life.
Collecting: (memories, objects, inspiration) I’m soaking in time with my family. It doesn’t last forever and I feel now, that it’s more important to accept others as they are, without projecting I’d like them to to be on them.
Simplifying: (space, schedule, commitments) I’m simplifying energetic commitments right now. Feeling the things I have been recently, there’s not been a lot more space for anything more substantial. I’m valuing things that are feeling easy – people and projects. Emotionally, it’s been a big year so far and it’s been a time of cocooning. The cooling weather inspires cosy fires, long chats, whisky by the fire, dancing in the kitchen. These are the vibes currently.
Embracing: (changes, challenges, opportunities) The messiness of life. It’s different for all of us, we even see a single situation differently. No two humans, no two situations, no two experiences are the same. I’m embracing being a learner again, learning how to build an audience for my new business venture. Learning what will help people.
Savouring: (food, moments, experiences) Reducing sugar, in my tea, less cakes and bickies. Just generally trying to eat less. I’m adding salt to my water and tea, to try and fix my mineral/hydration issues – it’s interesting 🤔. Food I’m keeping simple, 1 veg, 1 protein for many meals. Lots of oily fish. I’m making regular fruit cakes for D. I often make the joke about how we’re getting old, and a weekly fruit cake sums it up nicely. Is 46 old? I’m not even sure any more. If it is, I’ll embrace the cosiness of it.
Practicing: (skills, habits, mindfulness) The week back after school holidays left me with very little time, but I’m still practicing guitar. I don’t get the time or energy to practice as often as I’d like, but I’m still progressing and that’s the important thing to me.
I meditate daily and now I’m using the time after to connect deeper and feel through the things that are sitting with me at the time. Whether this is processing and relieving the shame I feel about something, or processing how I’ve behaved, or how I feel about something. It’s been sitting heavy on me recently, how much shame drives our unconscious behaviours. Until we can see where it’s showing up in our lives, and go into those hidden places within us, it has the steering wheel.
Dreaming: (aspirations, wishes, possibilities) Dreaming of a world where we can live with love, intention and compassion. I see so much righteousness expressed around politics or identity. Virtue has been made into a game to be played and won, instead of being a way of living that benefits our lives and the world around us. I can’t control the way anyone else behaves-only the way I feel and respond in the world. I can be aware of the impact I have in the world, and act with love and compassion. I won’t always get it right, but I strive to be aware enough that I can have the conversations that matter when I don’t.
I wish for more ease with money and work, for more joy in my work. These are things that we have to take action on, they don’t just appear.
Challenging: (assumptions, comfort zones, limits) Doing something new that puts me out in front of people comes with its own set of beliefs and limitations to overcome.
I’ve been posting on social media for my web training gig, and it was hard for me. And when I started posting, I’d get responses that were critical and made no sense to me. My initial reaction (from my conditioning) was to be upset that someone criticised me.
But when I approached this from a place of love, I was able to accept that it was their perception and their reality to my comment. It’s no reflection of me, or what I was putting it. And I don’t need to take it on, it’s theirs, not mine.
That being said, I’ve never got anything too mean or horrible, but when it comes, I’ll remember that it’s their reality and not mine, and respond with love. Blocking them is love for myself, or responding to them with a comment from a place of love, or ignoring it for the same reason. We don’t need to give these people our time.
Thanks for joining my in my journalling rambles.
If you’re interested, you can copy the list out from the template in this post.
