I was at my daughter’s mid-year drama performance last night, she’s 11, and most of the kids are young. Some of them are just starting drama, some of them have been doing it for a while.
There was this one young girl who was visibly terrified, who was there to do a miming performance.
(more…)I had written 492 words to honour my brother’s 40 years. I wasn’t sure I could speak even one.
Standing at the podium, I couldn’t look out at the faces. We’d just watched the first of the slide shows — images of him with family and friends throughout his life. Since writing his eulogy, I hadn’t been able to read it aloud. My voice cracked, and tears poured freely each time I tried. Rule number one of writing: read it aloud to ensure it flows. But not this time.
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Today my brain is mush. I can’t focus, I can’t write, I can’t work. I can’t do anything that needs me to sit and focus. I wish I could. There’s work that needs to be done. There’s things I’d love to write both creative and non-fiction.
But not today.
Today is for being kind to myself. Finding things to do that don’t leave me feeling scattered.
The harder I try to focus, the more scattered I am.
Today is for cuddles with those I love.
Today is for drinking bone broth in my little creative space, even if I don’t create.
Today is for chats and cuppas with friends.
And chores that don’t require much more than moving my body, doing things like cooking or folding washing.
Today is for an early night, and starting a book I’ve had by my bedside for months (Daemon Voices by Philip Pullman – On stories and storytelling).
Is your brain cooperating today?
P.S. I know this is kinda self indulgent wank. But I promised myself I’d try to post daily on my blog. So self indulgent wank is what we get today.
Like many creative businesses, Covid took its toll. I had confidence issues as it was, and then when 2 years of rolling lock downs was done, it was just too much to go back into, you know?
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It’s been a hot minute since I’ve stopped in here. It’s fascinating going through your old blog posts, or journal entries – things that show you a past version of you. Sometimes it can be difficult to recognise the person that you used to be. I’ve just gone through the back catalogue of my posts on here, and it’s like I’m looking at someone else. Someone I no longer recognise. But that’s ok, you know? I’m well into my 40s, and the older I get, the more clearly I can see how much we change over a lifetime. Well over half a lifetime.
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So many things change over time, but some stay exactly the same. Thoughts, feelings, behaviours, patterns. You have the capacity to change all of them. But can you really?
I’m soon to be 45. I can see so many places in me that have changed. But there are some that are fundamentally the same. The kind that you wished would change, without the work. Because it’s hard.
But hard is ok. If you really want something, you need to work on it. Even when it’s hard.
… Especially when it’s hard.
So if you need a reminder, keep plugging away at the things you’d like to be better, or different at.
And I will too.
I used to love doing the taking stocks. It was so much fun looking back to see where you’ve come from, and what you loved at that moment in time. The last one I did was in March 2016.
Life has kind of gotten the better of me over the past few years. Being a mum and fitting in all the things that come with that have left me with little time or energy for the things I’d loved doing before that.
And 2020 has just body slammed so many of us. I think it might be nice to come back here later on and see what I spent my time doing. During lockdown, and during the turbulent times that ensue in a global pandemic.
(more…)Dear Alanis Morrisette
Today has been hard. As an empath all the energy and feelings swamping me haven’t been a manageable today. The heaviness of heart is so thick all around. The tears have been sitting like lead at the back of my eyes, refusing to fall.
Where I am, we’re about to go into restrictions again for 6 more weeks. No contact with anyone other than those you live with and essential services. My little girl has only seen two of her friends in the last 4 months, it’s her birthday at the end of the month and I’m heartbroken to tell her we can’t even have her family visit her for her special day.
I’ve just put your new album on while I’m writing my journal, a thought or lesson I write to my daughter or myself. I made it to Ablaze and the tears were able to fall. Thank you for this album. You’ve helped remind me that the world isn’t actually the shit storm of greed, blame and separation that it’s been feeling like lately.
You don’t know me but thank you for allowing me to feel seen and not alone. From one empath to another, this is what I needed right now at this time. And I’m sure there will be many others too needing this.
Love to you and your family
Ky xo
As a young adult, I had a fixed way of thinking. It was black and white, with no grey. And those black and white areas included my self esteem and self worth, how I should be loved, what work is and is not, and who I am and am not.
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Sometimes the mere act of indulging yourself an reading a book about an artist or someone who creatively inspires you can pull you through the funk. No matter how long it’s lasted. Today, sitting outside reading a book about Cecil Beaton left me feeling whole again.
It was enough to sweep away the demons that stopped me from getting my camera out. So, I took some observational or documentary style shots around home. I shot Miss 5 creating and imagining. I shot our front door and the loft stairs. With a wide angle lens, in black and white.
I’m really digging both the wide angle and monochrome right now. It takes me back to my roots in film. I’ve always had a thing for high contrast. I’m going to keep reading this book, and make it my mission for the next month to shoot at least twice a week, wide, black and white.
You don’t. I don’t. None of us do.
We’re each on a different journey. And I think that self awareness and self love is the part that we’re trying to “figure out”. Because the further you are on that journey, the more you understand that you’ll never have it figured out.
Where you are on that journey can be the difference between chasing an impossible moving target of perfection, or accepting where you are right now. And loving yourself anyway.
Sleep has been something I’ve been writing about a lot lately. It’s so necessary, but so overlooked. Today though, is about rest. (more…)