It’s been a sad morning. I’ve had tears in my eyes since my meditation. I’ve realised that my daughter will not live a normal childhood filled with time with other kids and it’s made me so sad. If she spends time with others, it will come with the proviso that she doesn’t touch or hug them.
I used to love doing the taking stocks. It was so much fun looking back to see where you’ve come from, and what you loved at that moment in time. The last one I did was in March 2016.
Life has kind of gotten the better of me over the past few years. Being a mum and fitting in all the things that come with that have left me with little time or energy for the things I’d loved doing before that.
And 2020 has just body slammed so many of us. I think it might be nice to come back here later on and see what I spent my time doing. During lockdown, and during the turbulent times that ensue in a global pandemic.
Dear Alanis Morrisette
Today has been hard. As an empath all the energy and feelings swamping me haven’t been a manageable today. The heaviness of heart is so thick all around. The tears have been sitting like lead at the back of my eyes, refusing to fall.
Where I am, we’re about to go into restrictions again for 6 more weeks. No contact with anyone other than those you live with and essential services. My little girl has only seen two of her friends in the last 4 months, it’s her birthday at the end of the month and I’m heartbroken to tell her we can’t even have her family visit her for her special day.
I’ve just put your new album on while I’m writing my journal, a thought or lesson I write to my daughter or myself. I made it to Ablaze and the tears were able to fall. Thank you for this album. You’ve helped remind me that the world isn’t actually the shit storm of greed, blame and separation that it’s been feeling like lately.
You don’t know me but thank you for allowing me to feel seen and not alone. From one empath to another, this is what I needed right now at this time. And I’m sure there will be many others too needing this.
Love to you and your family
As a young adult, I had a fixed way of thinking. It was black and white, with no grey. And those black and white areas included my self esteem and self worth, how I should be loved, what work is and is not, and who I am and am not.
I’ve been thinking about a lot of different things lately that impact my life. The type of work we do, and how we feel stuck and the lack of boundaries and planning that are keeping us in that stuck place. I’ve been thinking about the work we need to do, and the systems and processes we need to incorporate to get us unstuck. Running the numbers, we should be able to make a lot more money than we are, doing a lot less work than we are. Because I’m so tired. So we need to work smarter, plan and systemise as much as we can.
Sometimes the mere act of indulging yourself an reading a book about an artist or someone who creatively inspires you can pull you through the funk. No matter how long it’s lasted. Today, sitting outside reading a book about Cecil Beaton left me feeling whole again.
It was enough to sweep away the demons that stopped me from getting my camera out. So, I took some observational or documentary style shots around home. I shot Miss 5 creating and imagining. I shot our front door and the loft stairs. With a wide angle lens, in black and white.
I’m really digging both the wide angle and monochrome right now. It takes me back to my roots in film. I’ve always had a thing for high contrast. I’m going to keep reading this book, and make it my mission for the next month to shoot at least twice a week, wide, black and white.
You don’t. I don’t. None of us do.
We’re each on a different journey. And I think that self awareness and self love is the part that we’re trying to “figure out”. Because the further you are on that journey, the more you understand that you’ll never have it figured out.
Where you are on that journey can be the difference between chasing an impossible moving target of perfection, or accepting where you are right now. And loving yourself anyway.
Sleep has been something I’ve been writing about a lot lately. It’s so necessary, but so overlooked. Today though, is about rest.
The colours are there, through the window.
The flowing moving air is there, through the window.
The chirping birds are there, through the window.
The scent of gumtrees is there, through the window.
New friends to meet are there, through the window.
Paths to explore are there, through the window.
Adventures to have are there, through the window.
Are you there, through the window?
Alarms are terrible, they suck and should be banned.
I wake up angry.
I wake up mid sleep cycle leaving me groggy for hours
It’s a terrible way to start the day.
After writing yesterday about not getting enough sleep, I had another night of too little sleep. Today was a case of do it anyway because I had a big list of work and home things to do. I was too tired – but I did it anyway.
I’ve been reading Choose Yourself by James Altucher and he was talking about habits that Woody Allen has. There was one that resonated so hard with me about working for 5 hours – first thing – and then having the rest of the day to do what you want. Focus on consistently doing the work to get your ‘thing’ done.