One of the things I see crop up time and time again with myself, and in so many others and usually sub consciously, is the comparison to others. We focus so much on comparing ourselves to others, what they have, what they do, who they are, so much so, that we forget who we are and all the great things about us.
Comparing ourselves to other people can put up big roadblocks that stop us from getting to where we’d like to go. That is of course, assuming that we’d like to know where we’d like to go in the first place. It can also change this view for us, it can change our ideas of who we are and where we want to go into those of the people we’re watching.
I’ve spent so many years thinking that I wanted to be a certain way, and that way was based on what others thought I should be. It lead me to live filled with doubt and uncertainty and very little belief in myself as a person. When you’re measuring yourself against goals that aren’t your own, each time you go through the process you come up lacking and find you’re filled with discontent.
It’s not until you sit down and dedicate some serious thinking time to your own values, discovering what you enjoy, what you’d like to achieve and who you’d like to be, that you begin to focus on your own contentment.
I say contentment over happiness because happiness is a fleeting emotion. It’s not consistently achievable as a continuous state nor would we want it to be. Growth doesn’t happen when we’re consistently ‘happy’. Growth and learning comes from reflecting on the way we feel through different emotions, thinking about the causes, how we use this to meet our goals and how we can use our emotions and the way we think about the emotions we feel to get to where we want to go.
It’s not a trip that anyone can advise you on, for if they do, then it’s not really a trip that’s yours. It’s through your own growth, reflection and analysis that you find what you are meant to do. To find the things you love to do and the things that bring meaning to your life.
When you know who you are, and where you want to go, it becomes easy to focus on you instead of others. It becomes about watching and measuring your own incremental improvements. You can congratulate yourself for your achievements.
This journey of self awareness and discovery started after having my baby. It journey is to become the woman I want my daughter to become. How else do I teach her, other than by being? Is there are better way? I’ve seen so many times that ‘telling’ and ‘yelling’ just doesn’t work.
To teach her patience, I must be patient with her. To teach her problem solving I must take her frustration and work through it with her helping her find a solution that she’s content with. To help her be kind and generous I must show her and others compassion. It’s not really that hard is it?
Another adage I grew up with and think as adults we do forget “Monkey see, monkey do”. It may be a little crass but ultimately that’s how our children learn. “Practice what you preach” is another that comes to mind. These are things I heard while growing up and they are so true.
Even until the epiphony I had recently, it still didn’t click for me. I was constantly frustrated with her behaviour. I knew how I wanted her to grow up, but I found that when she gets frustrated she whinges and whines. The constant telling her to be quiet didn’t work, but we continued with it anyway.
Then I read an article by a mum of a 4 year old. The mum tells the story of her daughter. Once she learned to talk she is able to ask for her mum just to be there, just to give her a hug or lie with her before bed.
So applying that to my two year old I meet her frustration with compassion and understanding. If she can’t do something I help her do it and talk her through it. If its a situation that’s never going to work, I show her an alternative. Maybe she just wants my attention for a few minutes. Now I’ve changed my mindset, I’m much happier as a parent. These simple things, like a few minutes of my attention make her happy, and I’m teaching her the values I want her to have.
Image courtesy of Kaboompics on pixabay.